Dogs

A dog on its lonesome I don't mind, but two in my house?? The bile collecting in my throat has to go somewhere.

The domesticated canine's sole purpose in life is to be a persistent burden to all those around it. Only the dog that is hairless, immobile, and without orifices is well behaved.

One very good boy.

I should set the scene: A friend came to visit from out of town. Having nobody at home to look after her two mid-sized dogs, they regrettably had to stay the night here. The two were stationed in the TV room, behind the couch. Now, this post is not a dig at this friend in any way, I know she did not want to bring them. I also don't hate her dogs, having them in the house that night just pushed me past my limit of comfort. {For the sake of protecting identity She will be referred to using capitalised pronouns.}

Defecation - As we were singing karaoke (She and D were, I was too much in a state of overwhelm already), a foul stench crept up from behind. I blamed D, because lol funny. He insisted it was not him. Then, She asked that I check behind the couch, to see if one of the dogs had shat.

That can just happen? The way it was asked so casually too insinuates that yes, that does just happen. And you let them INSIDE my living space?? Thankfully it was just a fart, otherwise someone might have died that night. I then learned that when your dog (read that word with dripping, vile disgust - the same way Azzy says "man") decides to hotbox you, you now get to enjoy the next best thing about being a dog owner:

Getting them to do freaking anything at all. I sincerely believe dog owners spend a significant fraction of their lives shouting at their pets as if nobody in the world desires any peace, ever. Now that we knew the dogs were ready to rip, the next few minutes were spent waiting for them to find a spot in the yard to drop their landmines, all the while being yelled at. I do commend the dog's unwavering love and loyalty, I would come to despise my owners for the tone used against me while I'm simply trying to brown in the most inconvenient place I can sniff out. A dog owner would even yell at their dog for being too loud, way to be a role model.

dog "lovers" when dog:

Dog aura - I lose every ounce of appetite when in a room with a dog. I'm eating a peanut butter sandwich right now, so this section will be a challenge to get through. The moment you step into someone's home, you can always tell if they have dogs. There is a certain funky smell they all share which causes my tongue to dry up, and opens an undercurrent of fight-or-flight response for the entire duration of the stay. Oh, and the hair. Unless you hold your home to a very high standard (which if you have dogs most likely not), there is hair everywhere. A constant reminder that the slobbering chaos gremlins could be anywhere. yuck yuck yuccky yuck.

Behaviour - I hate to see a dog happy, I hate to see a dog mad. I don't mind so much if they're sad, one step closer to being the aforementioned well-behaved perfect dog. When Her dogs were up and scampering around my cabin the one thing I could compare it best to is when objects collide repeatedly in source games.

This is the sound of a dog's tail in a 12sqm room. Whatever isn't bolted down will be hit by sixteen-inch weedwhacker shlong, ending up on the floor to then be later chewed upon. You cannot have anything you care about in the same room as a dog, they will find the most random yet messiest things to chew up. And they do it all while spreading their rancid aura too, like spores from mould. Dogs are mould. One of them ripped into a stress ball, I inspected it before throwing away to see the most grotesque amalgamation of  hair, spit, and somehow blood all through it. Opening up a cadaver would've been a prettier sight.

Home defence dogs - You cannot be a good person if you get a dog for security reasons. You have Cerberus in your front yard?  I didn't want anything to do with you anyway. If I see that beware the dog sign, what are you doing?? At least train it to harm only obvious threats to you and your family, all those poor door dash drivers and family friends who have to live in fear of your deranged baby eating muscle-hound. If killer zoo animals are legal to own, a swift kick to the head is nothing you can blame me for when one tries to chow down on my tibia. I'm ranting, I'm just reaaalllly against these dogs. Entirely unlovable.

In all, I don't like dogs. small dogs are left out of this post but they are also needy and gross, only not so destructive. Thank you Battle Cats for ridding the world of dogs.